The Desire to Punish Sociopathic Tendencies
I notice my desire to extend an overwhelming corrective force on those who attack me. Underpinning this is the belief if I strike back hard enough ill illicit sufficient fear in the other to dissuade them from attacking me further. This movement within me feels clinical. A cold and ruthless blade whose intent is to mercilessly expose truth, slicing through deception and manipulation. Its however an energy which is impervious to the pain it causes another. And here lies the rub… life keeps showing such an energy aggravates rather than heals. Blind in pain and fear of its seeming endlessness, until recently I never acknowledged the blowback I was creating through my harsh insistent thrusting of truth upon another, irrespective of whether they could receive it or not.
What Im finally starting to get is the incapacity of one who is steeped in pain to react to this style of corrective force in any way other than to throw it back to sender. In the years of navigating a narcissistic sister and supporting sociopathic family structure, nor the subsequent years where such patterns have synchronistically repeated in remarkably similar themes in my community, not once has my rigid unfeeling response to another’s pain resulted in the outcomes i’ve desired. Not once. All efforts driven by this fire seem quite ineffectual outside of an educational experience to assist me see better the mechanics of human conditioning, and of course the priceless establishment of healthy boundaries. In every domain I encounter, aggressors have maintained their righteous stance of deserved superiority, to this day justified in their attempted dominance over me.
The awareness was always there. From the moment I took up the crusade to expose the truth I noticed the cold hard edged sword I was wielding. I knew it wasn’t right but couldn’t see beyond it. And over the years I’ve pondered my incapacity to forgive those who repeatedly attack me. Then most recently events have transpired to grant a window into the pain of another, and during an exchange I’ve been fortunate enough to have my wife notice where I’d gone to far. Id moved from the instigation of gaining clarity to initiating a cruel hunt to annihilate an oppressor. Seeing this, noticing the energetic shift in my body as I took this course has been huge for me.
